The Slow Fall
by SereneCalamity
Summary: He wasn't ready to be everything she deserved, and he didn't think she could understand that. Densi. OneShot.


_So I was listening to this song quoted below, _Make This Go On Forever _by Snow Patrol and I was inspired to right this oneshot! I hope you guys enjoy it! And I've just posted another one, slightly more fluffy, if you want to check that out as well!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, or Mr Eric Christian Olsen would be in my bed ;)_

_Please don't let this turn into something it's not  
I can only give you everything I've got  
I can't be as sorry as you think I should  
But I still love you more than anyone else could_

She just didn't understand. He knew that she tried—God, she tried for him. But she never would.

He had only ever allowed her to see the surface of his life, she only knew parts of his story, and he wasn't willing to share the rest. She tried to put together the pieces she had to make a picture, but she couldn't put together the puzzle that was him.

Whenever people looked at him all they saw was happy, funny Marty Deeks. The guy with the floppy sandy hair, the careless stubble that somehow never grew past a certain length, the bright blue eyes. The guy who made jokes even when they were all pinned down behind a car and being fired at by five terrorists with machine guns and a nuclear weapon in their possession. The guy who never missed a chance to look at a passing female with a hint of skin showing.

What they didn't see was what he hid behind all of it. The scars behind those cobalt eyes.

It had never been a secret that Deeks played with plenty of woman. It had been a joke for years-ever since he had started at NCIS. Even Kensi Blye got a few jabs in, laughing when two woman once showed up at a bar because he had double booked himself. When things began to escalate between them, and everyone began to pick up on it, the teasing lightened considerably. That could have also been because he _had _indeed stopped sleeping around as much. He told himself it _wasn't _because of the need to be with her and only her that many people got when they began to have feelings for someone. He simply just didn't feel the attraction to other woman as easily as he had before. And when he did fall between the sheets with the a nameless girl, it was with a leggy brunette. He told himself that clearly that was his 'type', but at the back of his mind he knew he was just kidding himself. He had never had a persuasion toward brunettes over blondes or red-heads before Kensi.

And then when things had finally peaked for them, there was no denying the intense chemistry they had that Deeks knew he had never had with anyone before, and doubted he would have with anyone else.

The tension that had been building between them for the part three years had all collided in a rush of sparks and ignited a fire that was barely brought under control after hours of thorough attention. They had both fallen unconscious in the early hours of the morning, both exhausted, tangled together in his bed. When Deeks had woken up, Kensi hadn't been next to him.

It was the emptiest he could ever remember feeling, and it was then he had realized how much trouble he was in.

It didn't matter that she had just been in the kitchen making coffee for both of them, dressed only in her lace underwear and one of his button down shirts-looking completely gorgeous and mussed from sleep and sex. It was the feelings that had rushed over him when he thought she had left. He promised himself that he would never let himself feel that way with anyone. Feelings like that could only lead to trouble.

But eight months later, he still couldn't rid himself of the need to be with her. He tried to push away the feelings, tried to ignore them, but being with her almost every day only forced her deeper into his heart. Most woman annoyed after only a couple of hours, but this woman—who could beat him in a hand fight anytime, anyplace, who had an infuriating need to be right _all the time_—somehow didn't drive him completely insane. And it was harder and harder for him to leave her after they had gotten together. He found he had to wait until she had fallen asleep before he slipped out of the bed and quietly dressed. They only ever screwed at his place when they had places to go after, so there was no risk of her falling asleep. He didn't think he would ever have the heart to tell her to leave. Once they had done it in the back of her car when they were on a stake out at ungodly hours of the morning and there had been no movement in the rundown house since six o'clock the night before. But most of the time, it was after they had solved a case or the night before their day off, and they were having dinner and a couple of beers. Those times he made sure they were always at her house.

The first few times she had looked up at him confused and said he could stay. He had made feeble excuses that he knew she didn't believe, but she was too proud to question him. From then on she hadn't asked him to stay, although he could see how she would fight to stay awake as long as possible so that he had to stay longer. _God_, his woman was determined. And then when he thought things like that he had to catch himself. She wasn't his, and he couldn't think like that. Couldn't trick himself into thinking that.

And when he did find him unable to shake thoughts of her, he would resort to other measures.

Just like now.

The blonde between his legs was sucking earnestly, and he could feel himself slowly coming to the brink. She pulled away and looked up at him eagerly, big green eyes that were hazy from alcohol. He pulled her upwards until she was positioned over him, and then she took over, riding him fast, albeit a little sloppily. Her moans and sighs were just a little too breathy and high pitched, and if he didn't need to get off so bad he would have left her right then and there. But she felt good, so he just closed his eyes and tried to ignore the noises she was making. She came first, he was soon after, and she slid down, feet landing back on the tiled floor of the club bathroom. Candy—Carly?—grinned as she picked her underwear off the ground and pulled then back on. She readjusted her dress, that had just been pushed up around her waist rather than actually being taken off, and gave him a kiss.

"Nice meeting you," she smirked and held out a hand. "Did you want my number?"

"I've seen you around here before, I'll just look for you," Deeks replied smoothly, although he knew he would never be with this girl again. She seemed to know a brush off when she heard it and shrugged, unlocking the bathroom door and disappearing. Deeks turned to the bathroom mirror, straightening his shirt and doing up the belt for his jeans. It was intentional, but ever since starting to sleep with Kensi, he compared every girl to her.

And this one didn't even come close.

* * *

He had been in exactly three relationships in his life. There was one when he was seventeen. It had only lasted six months, but she had been a cheerleader and one of the most popular girls in the school so he had definitely counted her. There had been a pretty blonde girl he met while he was at the academy. She had been a bartender at his favourite bar and they had seen each other pretty seriously for almost a year. There was even talk of them moving in together until her father got cancer and she moved away to look after him. And then there had been Louisa Headley. Until Kensi, she had been the only woman who had completely entranced him and he had thought for so long that she was the one for him. They had moved in together after only dating for a couple of months, and after a few more months the wild idea of getting married had even crossed his mind. That was until he had come home the day after they had celebrated their one year anniversary and found her screwing his best friend on their couch.

That horror story paired with his mothers tragic love life had scared him away from the thought of having a one an only. The first man his mother had fallen in love with had been an abusive asshole that she had loved even when he would give both her and Deeks black eyes and bruises. After he had shot him, she still had this warped sense of devotion toward his father, going to all the court hearings and ignoring Deeks for a good few weeks after the incident. And then when she had remarried, it had been with a man who had been cheating on her the whole time. The worst part was that it wasn't something that was hidden, his mother was just so desperate to feel wanted from someone that she was willing to feign ignorance.

He never wanted to feel that—the absolute _need_ to be with someone. He never wanted to be hurt the way he had been when he had walked on Louisa. Never wanted to crave human affection to the point of loosing all dignity and self-respect.

And for years he had operated absolutely fine.

Until her.

For the first time in a long time, she was the only girl on his mind and it was _her_ feelings that made him stay awake late at night.

Her confusion when she would see him the next day at work after he had left.

Her hurt when she saw him with another woman.

* * *

As hard as Kensi was—or she _thought _she was—her eyes always gave her away. Whenever he would make a move toward her, she would have this wary look in her eyes as though waging an inner battle whether she was going to let him touch her. Clearly, her desire for him always won because then her eyes would soften and her body would melt against his, moulding perfectly with him. And then when they finished, there would be this hazy, warm look in her half-lidded eyes that both heated Deeks all over, and sent a cold shiver through him. He wasn't sure what she saw in his own eyes as he looked back, but she would never comment. Just make light conversation or shower with him. He would touch her hair or run a hand down her back, and she would eventually fall asleep.

Then he would leave.

Tonight they were both tired. It had been a long week and they were curled on her couch, leftover Chinese on the table and their bottles of beer empty next to them. He could see her eyes getting heavy and he was planning on leaving soon after directing her toward her bed, maybe carrying her there if she asked him too. That was when he realized that her eyes were closed and her breathing was even. Her head had lolled back against the headrest of the sofa and she looked absolutely peaceful. He shifted slightly, his arm still around her shoulders and trapped between her and the back of the couch. His movement roused her momentarily and she blinked up at him, her eyes hazy from exhaustion. She managed a slight smile as she snuggled into his side, his arm automatically curling around her back to pull her in closer. As soon as he did it he knew it was wrong—it's just his body reacted without him even thinking when it came to her.

"Love you, Deeks," she mumbled, her voice broken as her eyes closed again. His whole body froze at her words, even as the soft sounds of her slumber reached his ears.

* * *

He drove for hours that night, after disentangling himself from Kensi. He was completely unsure of where his head was at. He wished that he could be that guy for Kensi, he really did. She was an amazing girl, and for nearly eight months she had put up with his hot and cold personality. She had fallen into bed with him over and over again and then leave after without a word. He knew that it wasn't easy for her, but she trusted him. The trust shone through her eyes despite the hurt, and he knew that he didn't deserve it.

He didn't deserve _her_.

He wasn't sure he was _ever _going to deserve her.

* * *

Kensi didn't seem to realize what she had said last night, probably because she had been half-asleep. She didn't act any different when he walked into work late, as usual, and jerked his head by way of welcome to her. Throughout the day, she teased him mercilessly and he gave it straight back to her, just as they did everyday. But that night, she didn't make an effort to ask him to come back to her house. He didn't say anything either, and on his way home, he found his car steering toward a club. He didn't notice Kensi's car following him as he pulled into a parking spot at the curb of the road. It was almost two in the morning, and everyone was sufficiently drunk. The bouncer grinned as he came up, slapping his palm as Deeks slid past him into the crowded club. He moved quickly, swallowing back a beer and zoning in on a pretty brunette with a sharp, short haircut. She was more than willing to move with him toward a secluded corner of the club, and then out toward the car park. She was laughing and holding on to him to spot herself from tipping over in her high heels, and Deeks was trying to be attentive, although his mind kept leaving her and going toward his leggy partner.

A partner who's car was pulling away from the curb and driving down the road, the tail lights glowing in the morning darkness.

Deeks's jaw clenched and his body froze as he realized she had seen him with the party girl.

* * *

He sat in his car for nearly half an hour outside her house before he got up the courage to go to her front door. The lights were all off—to be fair, it was quarter to three in the morning—but he could hear her TV going. He rapped his knuckles twice on the door and then waited, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans as he tilted back on the heels of his feet. The door opened slowly, and then Kensi was standing in front of him, her hair pulled back in a messy bun with tendrils curling around her neck and face. She was only wearing a pair of tiny flannel pyjama pants and an oversized shirt and she crossed her arms over her chest as she looked at him.

"What do you want, Deeks?" The words were harsh, but her tone was only tired.

She met his eyes once before directing them over his shoulder. But once again, those mismatched and slightly reddened orbs had told him all he needed to. His stomach turned over, just like it always did when he knew he was the cause of her pain.

"I'm not...I'm not good at this, Kens," he murmured. "Relationships...Completely letting someone in...Just from my experience, they never end well." Kensi locked her jaw, not saying anything. "I trust you more than any other person in the world," he reached for her, touching her elbow softly. Her body was tense but she didn't pull away. "But I just don't know how I could ever deserve someone like you."

"You don't," she growled, but he saw her face relaxing.

"I can't be that guy that you need, Kens," Deeks said quietly. "I'm just not ready." Kensi rolled her eyes.

"Okay, first of all, have I ever asked you to explain yourself? To tell me why you are too scared to stay with me for the night, or why you still sleep with other woman? And second, I'm not asking for you to be that guy _right now_. I never have," she pursed her lips together. "I know how you feel about me, Marty. I'm not one of those girls who need constant reassurance." Deeks's eyes widened slightly. "I'm trained to read body language. You seem to forget that when you play with my hair, or when you always kiss my shoulder before you leave even though you think I'm asleep." Kensi shrugged. "Those aren't the actions of someone who is just there for casual sex."

"Kensi, I—"

"I'm telling you; I'll wait. I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt, but I'm willing to wait. I know you're worth it and one day you'll realize that us, you and me, is going to be worth risking a broken heart." Deeks was staring at her, his hands clenching in fists at his sides. When she finished he reached forward, cupping her face with his hands, and kissing her. The kiss was unlike anything they had ever shared before. It wasn't a quick parting peck, or a rough passionate one when they were ripping at each other's clothes.

It was soft and warm and _loving_. His thumbs brushed against the smooth skin of her cheeks, one hand sliding behind her head to tangle itself in her hair. She tilted her head to the side, their mouths slanting perfectly over each other's as his tongue traced her lips. There was a low moan at the back of her throat that escaped when the hand in her hair trailed down her spine and circled itself around her waist to hold her closer. Her toned arms wrapped around his shoulders, loosening as he began to pull away from her, their breathing both ragged as they leaned their foreheads against one another's.

"I...I can't tell you what you want to hear right now," Deeks murmured, feeling ashamed not for the first time around her of his inability to open up. Kensi gave him a small nod of her head, her eyes still closed.

"I already know," she mumbled. "Why do you think I've put up with you for so long?" There was a slight curve of her lips at those words and Deeks couldn't help but grin with relief. She finally stepped aside, allowing him inside. They sat together on the couch, his arm slipping around her waist, his thumbs brushing against the skin exposed from her shirt that had ridden up. "Don't even think you're getting any tonight, Blondie. Not after what I saw tonight."

Deeks didn't bother telling her that after seeing her car he had ditched the girl and practically flew to his own car to chase after. He was pretty sure she had gathered that for herself given how soon he had been outside. But this was fine.

He was happy letting his body adjust to just holding her on the couch, watching _America's Next Top Model._

_Let me know what you think!_


End file.
